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Being Intentional About How You Communicate With Your Kids and Spouse
By Polly | November 10, 2007
“Is your homework done?” “Your room is a mess! Clean it up now!” “Did you remember the milk?” “You’re not just going to sit there all night, are you?”
Does this sound like your family? Let’s face it. Life is hard. Families are busy and there are days when it seems all we have to say to each other are complaints, desperate pleas for help, or tactical questions of who is doing what. Every family has days like these. But families with purpose manage to go beyond the day to day talk of snide complaints and fire drill tactics to foster a deeper level of communicating. Families with purpose manage to weave into their lives real conversations about the friend at school who has suddenly became so cold or the co-worker who will do anything for the next promotion; as well as the more joyous conversations about next year’s family vacation or the possibility of an exciting new job half way across the country.
Families with purpose are intentional about how they communicate by making it a point of their daily lives to really talk. They make it a point to go beyond the daily obligatory comments and questions to connect on a much deeper level. Here are some signs your family is on the right track.
- Parents regularly spend time discussing their kids, their goals and aspirations, and the general direction of their lives. They know intimate details about what is important to each other and they respect and encourage each other.
- Your children come to you with most of their problems and seek out your advice. Most children are not willing to share every detail of their lives with their parents, but when they are really struggling with something they are not afraid to ask for help.
- Kids feel comfortable asking their parents questions about things they don’t understand. A home in which children are encourage to seek answers and are not afraid to ask is a home in which children will thrive emotionally, academically, and socially.
- Parents take the time to answer their children’s questions and they answer them truthfully. When kids repeatedly hear “not now, I’m busy” or “can we talk later?” they quickly learn the message their questions and thoughts aren’t important. It is also important to answer your kids truthfully even when it is difficult to do so. Children are very perceptive and can sense when their parents are not being straight with them. Nothing will destroy your children’s trust in you faster than a lie.
- Parents frequently make themselves available to their spouse and kids when they can’t be with them in person. They have systems in place to reach them in other ways (e.g. phone calls, text messaging, email, etc).
- Parents and children understand what is important to each other and know each other’s dreams, goals, and aspirations. This is connecting and communicating on its deepest level. When a family isn’t afraid to share some of their innermost thoughts they have truly connected.
Communicating on a deeper level like this doesn’t happen over night. It takes a lot of time, attention, and patience to develop this level of trust and communication. Here are some suggestions to help you get on the right track.
- Avoid judging, shock, or hysteria in talking with each other. Kids and spouses won’t come to you if they feel judged or embarrassed. Sometimes just quietly listening is all that is needed.
- Be ready and willing to give kids real world answers and solutions to their problems. This takes understanding the social dynamic at your kids’ school as well as the skill in giving kids the words they need to talk through a problem with their friends, telling a friend no, or standing up to a bully. Kids won’t take your advice or find it helpful if you can’t make it real for them.
- Actively listening and watching for signs of stress. Signs will come in the form of behavior changes, little comments, hanging around waiting for you to notice, or comments/calls from the teacher.
- Make it okay for kids and spouses to tell you when they are upset and frustrated with you. You don’t have to agree, but you do have to hear them.
- Be willing to admit when you don’t have the answers and offer to help them find one.
- Be willing to apologize to your kids when you make a mistake. This is huge and will go a long way in fostering a deeper relationship with your kids.
Does your family have a purpose?
Related Entries:
Managing Disruptions to the Routine
Are You a Family with Purpose?
Ten Things You Can Get Done in 15 Minutes
Setting Family Goals
Parents’ Night Out
Topics: Building Strong Families, Families with Purpose, Family Communication, Family Life Articles, Family Life Tips |