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When is Too Much Too Much?
By Polly | February 4, 2008
A family with purpose is a family who acknowledges their problems and who work together for resolutions. They deal with their problems and issues with open communication and with confidence.
I have had several interesting conversations this week regarding the term Helicopter Parents. These conversations got me thinking about my own clients and the fact that, in one way or another, they are all doing too much for their children and that my job as a coach is to encourage them to let go and trust their children.
The term Helicopter Parent is used to describe a parent who interferes too much in their children’s lives and hovers about them, so to speak, planning their next move. This term seems to be used a lot when it refers to college but, from what I see, parents do hover and interfere in many other areas of their children’s lives.
I don’t think we should always look at this term in a negative way; in many ways this interference is an expression of love and caring, however we do need to make sure that we temper what we do for our children. When we do too much we really are not doing them any favors we are not teaching them to stand on their own two feet and preparing them to be independent minded self reliant individuals.
Dr Redmond of Liverpool University says, “Helicopter Parents” are so common among the middle classes that universities now have to produce teams of family liaison officers to deal with them.”
So how can you tell if you may fit into his category and what can you do about it?
In my experience, which appears to be in line with others, there are five key types of Helicopter Parent mode.
The Rescue Helicopter Parenting Mode
This type of parent will swoop in to issue help at a moments notice. At the slightest hint of trouble, they will be there with their first aid kit ready to heal any wound. They will provide money, supplies and support whenever it is required, without question and have often been known to sort out difficult situations that their children find themselves in. Their overriding need is to keep their child out of harms way and hurt and they will do so at their own detriment, often ending up being treated like a slave and feeling like a victim, getting very little back in return. Their children never really learn how to deal with failure or how to get themselves out of tight spots.
This parent needs to realize that they may be doing their child more harm than good. While none of us want to see our children hurt, it is a part of life that sometimes things do not go our way and we end up feeling let down and disappointed; they need to learn this. Sure, sometimes they will need rescuing, but more often than not what they actually need is your support. So, instead of jumping in, ask them what they want to do about the situations and what support, not help, they need from you. See if they can sort it out themselves first.
The Blackhawk Helicopter Parenting Mode
You know when this parent is around - they are loud, nosy and come in with all guns blazing. They are nearly always in battle mode, ready to fight the next injustice that is happening to their child. Their overriding need is to be right and to get what is right for their child. They will often not believe that their child has done anything wrong and will blame others.
This parents need to learn to let their children fight their own battles. It is very important that a child learns to stick up for itself. The parents needs to hand responsibility back to the child and understand that sometimes, what they want may not be the right thing for their child. There is a bigger picture here, about teaching their child about responsibility and social impact. They need to learn that for every action there is a reaction and you may need to learn to control yours. Next time you feel compelled to wade, in ask your child what they want first and then ask them how they want you to help them let them lead the way.
The Surveillance Helicopter Parenting Mode
This parent does not trust their child at all, perhaps because of what has gone on in their past or perhaps because they know what they were capable of as a child. They will interfere and spy on everything the child does, ensuring that it is the right things. Calling them to make sure they are where they shall they will be, mobile phone tagging and internet spies would all be part of this parents arsenal. Some have even been know to spy on their friends on Facebook to make sure they are a good fit for their child. Their children are most likely going to rebel, thinking that if they are not trusted, then they may as well do it anyway.
This parent needs to learn to let go and give a little. How can a child ever show you that they are trustworthy if they do not get the opportunity? Do you want to breed an element of distrust in your relationship with them? Think of one thing right now where you could hand over a little more trust to them, perhaps trust in what they say, without questioning. When our parents believe in us, then we begin to believe in ourselves more.
The Traffic Helicopter Parenting Mode
This parent has seen it, done it and knows what is coming. Whatever their child wants to do, they believe they can see the road ahead, the direction they are heading in and the likely outcome. Therefore, they direct and steer their child down the roads they want them to go. “No, don’t turn this way, go this way - there is far less congestion. I think this career will be better for you as fewer people go into it, so their will be more jobs.”
Often, they take little or no notice of what their children, want speaking for them whenever they feel the need. Fundamentally, this parent wants what is right for the child; they just need to learn to allow their child to follow their own path. Asking themselves whether this is what they want for their child, or is it what the child wants would be a good question. They are level headed and will realize that their guidance may be just a little too much like meddling.
The Private Charter Parenting Mode
This parent treats their child like a business and it can be a little like having Alan Sugar on demand. They will swoop in, making business deals on their teenager’s behalf with or sometimes without, their knowledge. Everything is a deal to them and their teenager is a commodity. They are driven by a need to succeed and have their child do the same. Some have even been known to negotiate pay rises with the child’s boss! They will sometimes even network with influential people to get the best job for their child, calling in all their contacts if need be. There whole sense of achievement is linked into the achievements of their children.
This parent needs to stop doing too much and ask their child for what help they need. If their child mentions a new direction instead of instantly calling in their contacts, they should wait to be asked for help. Let you child know you are there for them, but only when they ask.
I really do think that, as in anything, you are halfway there if you realise you are doing something. So, be honest with yourself — do you or could you sometimes fit into one or more of these categories? If so, how can you ground your helicopter a little and let your child take the controls instead? After all, co-pilot is much better, isn’t it?
Sarah Newton is one of the world’s leading teen coaches. She enjoys a high profile and is one of the only Teen Coaches to have hosted her own eight part TV series ‘My Teen’s a nightmare – I’m Moving Out’. Her first book ” Help! My Teenager is an Alien - the everyday situation guide for parents” was launched in March 2007 by Penguin and rarely drops out of the top ten parenting teenager books. Sarah believes that parents can have great relationships with their teenagers and still get all the boring things done and to this end she offers everyday practical advice. To get Free access to Sarah’s “3 easy proven techniques to instantly reduce stress in your home and dramatically improve the relationship with your teen” go to http://www.sarahnewton.com
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Topics: Building Strong Families, Staying Strong |