Should We Tell Our Kids the Truth?

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By Polly | May 12, 2008

I recently had a conversation with some incredibly bright well informed loving mothers on whether or not we should tell the truth when asked some of the tough questions by our kids. Questions like, “Have you ever taken drugs?” Or, “Did you have sex before marrying dad?” Of course it is no big deal if you can honestly answer no to either one of these questions, but for those of us who can’t, it is nothing short of shear panic we feel when confronted with these questions. On the one hand, we want to protect them and not give them the impression that it is okay to try drugs or have careless sexual relations, but on the other hand you really don’t want to lie. After all, haven’t we taught them from day one the negative consequences of lying? Even punishing them when they do so? Isn’t it a little hypocritical to tell them it isn’t right to lie and then when faced with a serious question, we do just that?

To me, telling your kids the truth is one of the best things you can do for your kids and for your relationship with them. Telling your kids the truth builds trust, reinforces strong values, and most importantly validates their intuition.

Telling the Truth Builds Trust

When my oldest daughter was 4 years old, I was pregnant with our third daughter. Knowing my daughter’s thirst for knowledge and ability to ask very detailed questions, I immediately went to the bookstore looking for a good book to explain in not too much detail what it meant to have a baby. I bought the book What to Expect When Mommy’s Having a Baby because it had an honest yet simple way of explaining how babies are made. The explanation had something to do with pieces of a puzzle and the egg being one piece and the sperm being the other. I’m sure you get the idea, but to my daughter this wasn’t enough and the first question out of her 4 year old mouth was how the sperm got to the egg. At first I was shaken, but I could tell by her little face that she really wanted to know, so I told her. I kept the explanation brief and left out a lot of details, but she had enough information to understand the basics. In the weeks that followed, after she had time to process what she learned, I got a lot more questions and even though some of them were hard to answer, it made me feel good that she felt comfortable enough to come to me with these questions. She trusted me enough to know she was getting the truth. And recently when my now 11 year old had questions about drugs, she came to me. She didn’t look to her friends, TV, or the internet; she came to me because she trusted me to give her the truth. If your kids can’t trust you to tell them the truth, they will eventually give up trying and look to other places and people for the “truth.”

Telling them the Truth Builds Character

As parents we want to raise confident, well grounded, “good” kids. No parent sets out to raise kids who lie, are irresponsible, careless people. But when we aren’t truthful with our kids even occasionally, we are teaching them that it is okay to lie and worse how to rationalize their own lies to you or others in the future. The only way of raising kids with a strong character is to walk the talk as parents and as people. When we reinforce through our own actions and word the importance of telling the truth, our kids follow. Yes, they will slip up every once in a while just like all of us have done, but they will always have the foundation you built and demonstrated to lean on.

Telling Them the Truth Validates their Intuition

I was recently reading an article over at npr.org about telling kids the truth and one of the arguments put forth by the author really moved me. She said “When we are honest with children, we also validate their intuition. If we can admit that, yes, people can be mean, grandma does have a drinking problem, divorce is painful, we allow children to trust their gut. They can begin to recognize and rely on their own inner voice, which will speak to them throughout their lives.”

Children are extremely perceptive. From day one, babies can sense when new parents are worried and stressed and their sense of perception only grows stronger as they grow older. Even though they may not be able to express it in words, they do notice the darting of eyes, the worried expressions on our faces, and the muffled whispers coming from the kitchen. So when we aren’t straight with them, they know on some level that something isn’t right. And our lying to them or denying them the truth only makes them question their gut and intuition; you know that one little thing they often have to rely on when they leave the warm comfort of our homes and venture into the world on their own.

What’s a Parent to Do?

So as a parent, how do we prepare ourselves for these honest discussions? Here are some suggestions to help you have these inevitable conversations.

Talk it Over with Your Spouse - Make sure you and your husband or wife are grounded in agreement when it comes to talking to your kids about the truth and inevitable tough questions you will get. Don’t create a situation in which the kids can play parents off of one another. Create an environment in which kids can choose to seek answers from either parent, not just one.

Be Proactive - Take some time to think through your answers before you get the questions. This will help make the conversations a little less awkward. If you aren’t sure of how to answer them, talk to friends or family members to see how they have handle similar questions or read books on the subject.

Let Them Learn from Your Mistakes - If you get questions about some of your choices in life, like pre-marital sex or drugs, use the opportunity to not only be honest with your kids, but also for them to learn from your mistakes. Be prepared to share with them some of the things you have regretted about your choices as well as some of the things you learned. Help them better understand the consequences of their potential choices by letting them learn from yours.

Ask Your Kids for Time to Think - If your kids catch you completely off guard with a particular question, ask them if you can take some time to think over your response before answering them. It’s better to take some time to think through an honest answer than to answer them in haste with half truths. Use words like “I need a little time to think this question over a bit, is it okay if I get back to you later today?” Once you have had time to think over how you are going to answer, then be sure you do. Not following through with your promise only teaches them to not trust you.

In the end, the decision is yours as a parent to make. Whether you choose to be blatantly open and honest or to hold back some of the truth, your children will still grow up, dream their own dreams, and live their own lives. But will they do so in the comfort of openness and love or in the shadow of secrets and half truths? Only you can decide.

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