Parenting: You Don’t Have to Do it Alone

By: Sandra Huber

No one said parenting was easy. Today more people are realizing that parenting is so much more than providing food, clothing, shelter and a decent education. We want to give our children the best chance to grow up healthy, strong and safe. We may have different approaches to achieving these goals: different techniques, values or priorities. One thing I find consistent across cultural differences is parents’ need for support from peers as they walk this crazy journey called parenting!

Research shows healthy and supportive relationships reduce stress and improve your overall health & sense of well-being (How to Create Truly Supportive Friend­ships-Make the Most of Your Social Circle-By Elizabeth Scott, M.S). This is especially important for parents! I have been blessed to belong to a play­group of moms who have been meeting since our daughter was 9 months old. We have shared the raising of our children, the challenges of motherhood and partnerships and we have been there for the fun times and the ones that have truly challenged us deeply.

The rise of internet communities has helped bridge the distance and unite people of similar interests from coast to coast. One thing that I continue to see, however, is the sense of isolation and despair that many moms still feel, wondering in secret if their child’s behavior and development is normal without anyone with whom to check ideas and concerns.

Cultivating a circle of truly supportive peers can make a huge dif­ference in how you handle the inevitable stress that comes with the job of raising our children. I know that being able to hear from my friends who have children the same age as our daughter was crucial. Learning about their own struggles on anything from get­ting their kids to eat their vegetables to figuring out how to deal with back talk has saved my sanity and soothed my wildest concerns, when I feared I was possibly raising some juvenile delinquent!

There are so many great places to start looking for your support network in your local area: MOPS groups, story time at the local library, Mommy and Me classes, Co-op Preschools, Gymboree classes, www.meetup.com and even the local park. I invite you to consider finding your own “tribe”: the journey is a lot more fun when you have others to share it with!

Snow Happens!

By: Laura Rolands

Planning is important. You already know that, but sometime snow happens, literally. The heavy snow many have experienced over the last couple weeks have caused problems. We have great plans, but for many different reasons, our plans fall apart. Maybe the kids did not have school and you did not have back up day-care, you could not make it to the store, were late for work or had to shovel all weekend. Whatever the reason, heavy snow is likely to cause unexpected changes to our plans.

Don’t despair! Keep the following tips in mind to help you regroup and continue making forward progress.

Kids can help…

…Shovel

Even if your kids are young, get them involved in the shoveling by buying a shovel their size and taking them outside with you. At first it might not seem like much help if they end up playing more than shoveling. Just remember, you will be teaching them responsibility, getting them exercise and maybe getting a little bit of help. As they grow older, you can delegate more of the job directly to them.

…Make Dinner

Use the snow day as a way to get your kids more involved in making dinner. In the morning, hand them some cookbooks to select the night’s menu. During lunch, make the preparation plan and decide if you need to make a grocery store run. Of course When dinner-time arrives, get the kids involved and start cooking!

Prioritize

So you arrived a work late because you had to find alternate day care arrangements and the roads were terrible. You probably have a great planner from Families With Purpose and planned your day yesterday. Now, you don’t feel like you can get it all done with a shortened work day. Look at your to do list and pick your highest priority task. Delay everything else until tomorrow when you have time to regroup and focus on the highest priority - you might make more progress than you think!

Get Organized

If you haven’t had time to make a plan to attack your clutter, today will be the perfect day. Make your plan and start working it today. Getting the kids involved can have the same benefits I mentioned in the shoveling example. The earlier you start, the easier this will be as they get older.

Have Fun

Sometimes we need to relish in the idea of a snow day. It can be a built-in reason to have fun and let all of our other responsibilities slide! There is a reason that kids love them so much (even more than weekends!). Make it your mission to discover what makes it so fun. You will make some great memories with your kids!

No matter what your challenge when your plans get interrupted, take a deep breath and give yourself a chance to re-group. You just might enjoy yourself!

A Few Traits of a Confident Mom

By: Susan Heid

Ever met one of those moms who seems like they have it all together, isn’t questioning her every move and decision and knows what’s for dinner? She is often the mom who’s children aren’t embarrassing her at the grocery store (well, at least most of the time!) she is wearing jeans and a t-shirt when she drops her children off at preschool rather than sweats and last night’s dinner on her t-shirt and has a positive outlook. Is she unrealistic? I don’t think so; in fact I know she is a reality for every mom out there! You can awaken the “Confident Mom” inside you too.

Let me share with you just a few traits that I feel are in every mom and sometimes they just need to be brought out and nurtured. I have a true belief that all moms have what it takes to be the best mom they can be, but unfortunately for us in today’s society – there will be messages sent to you everyday telling you that you are not doing it right, your kids will grow up warped, or you need “this” technique to succeed. I believe you already have what it takes; you just need to believe you do!

Here are a few characteristics/traits that I like to nurture when I work with moms I coach and who participate in my workshops.

1) She does not live by comparison

This is a biggie – if you are always looking at “supermom” next door and wondering about your decisions, second guessing yourself and questioning your ability who do you think this affects? It does affect you, but I can tell you that your children can see right through that insecurity or unsure persona. You know what is right for you and your family, so it is up to you to do it and make the right decisions without continuing to doubt or question your ability. This does not mean you do not seek other’s opinions at times or ask advice, but when you get set with a plan stick with it. Don’t act like a “wishy-washy” mom.

2) She displays Courage

Courage and confidence go hand-in-hand. When you feel confident in your decisions, it’s not hard to muster up courage to explore new things. Whether you are struggling with a new parenting challenge, need to find support of other moms, or want to try a new exercise program, taking the first step is a very courageous move. This is how you continue to grow in your journey as a mom, as a woman beyond who you are as a mom too. By not allowing yourself to get in a rut you will build new skills that will help your family but will probably be helpful to other moms in your circle.

3) She is Adaptable

Do you freak out when you get thrown a curve ball in your day? Or can you go with the flow and manage to change things fairly quickly to accommodate unseen circumstances? This has been a hard one for me to become more versed in, but I have made considerable progress! Being a mom means that you have to be willing or able to change to fit in with different situations, planned & most importantly unplanned! Change is constant and never ending, so by learning the best ways for you to “go with the flow” you will be blessing your family as well as helping to keep your stress level down.

4) She has a sense of Humor

Another really attractive trait that I’ve found in mom’s who cope remarkably well is a sense of humor. And let’s face it - study after study has proven the power of laughter is a healing aid to all sorts of ills - from cancer to grief. In fact, researchers say that because of all the facial muscles pulled into place when you muster a smile, physiological changes occur that provide a sense of well being. When your brain is happy, so are you. I have found that when I am struggling with a challenging parenting issue, sometimes I just have to use humor to deal with it, and wouldn’t you know – it usually works to get my kids to behave or cooperate. I think it is because they are often caught off guard and then find the fun in seeing mom have fun. Why wouldn’t they want to cooperate? So laugh - with and without your children - a little each day – it really does make a difference.

5) She takes care of herself

The topic of “self-care” is the HOT topic for mom’s these days – no question about it. The fact remains, if you are not taking care of yourself and filling yourself up – who will? It is certainly not your kids who have that responsibility and not your partner’s either, if you have one. It ultimately is yours alone. I use this term common to those who have taken my ScreamFree Workshop, “Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask,” the airlines have it right, giving you great wisdom in their pre-flight briefing telling you to place your oxygen mask on first before helping others. The same is true for you - you cannot help anyone if you are out of breath! So find simple pleasures that will help boost your energy throughout the day. It doesn’t have to be the big elaborate day at the spa (although that works!) but how about a cup of tea and sitting down for 10 minutes, or lighting a candle in your kitchen while you prepare dinner, or taking a shower BEFORE your kids start running you ragged and you cannot find a minute to break away to do it later. Be proactive and create a space to nurture yourself so you can be the best you can be for you and your family.

Remember, you don’t have to be brave or funny or even wise all the time. But by adopting these five traits, you can organize your life around the realities and strengths that you have, and not around others’ expectations of who you are and who you should be. Becoming a “Confident Mom” is a reality for all moms!

Traits of a Frazzle-Free Mom

By: Mandi Ehman

School, work, hobbies, family, friends, volunteering, after-school activities, homeschooling and more — there’s no doubt that today’s mom has more than enough on her plate to keep her busy. Sometimes the many obligations vying for our attention become too much and we need to take a step back and reprioritize, choosing which activities are worth our attention and which we need to let go of. Other times, what we really need is to come up with a plan to better manage our obligations and activities with grace and ease.

Although I don’t always manage to pull it off myself, here are five traits of a frazzle-free mom to help you balance everything on your plate:

1. She’s organized.

Organizing your day as well as your physical surroundings means you won’t be wasting time or energy trying to remember what is on your calendar or to-do list or trying to find something you need. We’ve all had those days where the schedule is full and everything needs to run smoothly, only to realize we’ve forgotten to write down an obligation. Trying to remember everything that needs your attention or wasting time searching for your car keys and wallet is a surefire way to send your day into a tailspin.

Whether you use a physical planner, an online calendar or just a simple pad of paper, write everything down. Storing it all in your brain will inevitably result in a stressed out mama and forgotten tasks.

If your home or office is unorganized and chaotic, you’re wasting time and energy on stuff – finding it, moving it, thinking about it — instead of being able to focus on the important things. I know figuring out where to start can be overwhelming, so start by decluttering. Take two trash bags or boxes and fill one with things that can be thrown away and one with things to be given away. Try not to overanalyze each decision too much, but make it a game to see how quickly you can fill up the boxes.

Once you’ve decluttered, start by organizing a small area, such as a desk drawer or a shelf in a closet. Continue organizing one small area at a time until you feel good about your space and then work on maintaining it by putting things back where they belong after using them.

2. She’s prepared.

My motto in life is, “Expect the best but prepare for the worst.” Life with kids is unpredictable at best, but you can be prepared for those unexpected moments when the baby spits up all over herself (and you) or when your preschooler has an accident after being fully potty trained for years or when you’re stuck in traffic and everyone is hungry and antsy.

Keep your diaper bag stocked and ready to go by the door so that you’re not stuffing things in it on your way to a play date or lesson. Plan your menu ahead of time so that you’re not staring blankly into your pantry at 5:30. Obviously “unexpected” means you can’t anticipate every situation, but the better prepared you are in general, the more likely you’ll be able to come up with some way to handle whatever comes your way.

3. She prioritizes.

There are only so many hours in a day, and sometimes we just have to choose from among a list of “good” activities to ensure the “best” ones are getting our attention. Think about what your priorities are as a mother so that you can make sure you’re focusing on the most important ones first. I know I end up frazzled and unhappy when my priorities get out of whack and I let the most important things slip. Your priorities may be mothering and homemaking, but they also may include running a business, writing a book or volunteering. The important part is listing your priorities and making decisions based on them rather than getting caught up in the “tyranny of the urgent”.

4. She knows her pressure points.

What little things drive you nuts? Fly Lady says to always go to bed with a clean sink, and it’s something I strive for in my own life as well, but even more importantly, I make my bed every morning. It only takes a minute or two, but it’s amazing how big of an impact such a simple activity has on my day. When it’s not done, I feel overwhelmed, stressed out and out of control, but when it is done, it feels like I can face anything.

Your pressure points may be different than mine, but the key is figuring out which things impact your mood and stress level so that you can give those things priority even when you don’t have time for the rest.

5. She strives for excellence but NOT perfection.

There is no such thing as a perfect mother, and trying to live up to impossible standards will leave you discouraged and frustrated. However, this doesn’t mean that you should throw all standards out the window or never strive to do better. Rather, do everything with excellence so that you’re less likely to have to redo something a second time. Whether it’s keeping house, volunteering on a committee or running a business, do your best at every task. It doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect, so don’t beat yourself up when you make mistakes, but rather look at each mistake or failure as a learning opportunity and a chance to do better next time.

Mandi Ehman is a work-at-home mom to four spunky little girls. She believes that organizing only lasts if you do it your way – to fit your needs, your preferences and your lifestyle – and she shares organizing and time management tips at Organizing Your Way.

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Simple Everyday Tools to Have a More Productive (and Fun) Parenting Experience

In the busy world of running errands, soccer practice, piano lessons and birthday parties, parents find themselves stretched to many limits. We find ourselves tired and feeling like things are spinning and we are desperately trying to keep the balance. It’s bad enough when your child is out of control, with a tantrum or a meltdown. When we in turn react to all that bad behavior, we end up feeling crazy and out of control. Anger, pleading, blame, guilt, and other emotional reactions to our child’s actions are not only ineffective as parenting tools but make you feel stressed out, inadequate and horrible as a parent for hours if not days afterward.

The only person you can control is you. You can guide your child in the right direction and they will make the choices that would bring them closer or farther from that goal. Your job as a parent is to break the cycle of provocation, overreaction and regret by taking charge of the one thing you can: your own behavior. Recognizing what pushes your buttons, what gets you hot under the collar will allow you to have a plan of action in place way before you get to the anger face. Mastering your responses makes your discipline more effective, models good stress management techniques for your child, and leaves you feeling calm and in control. Here are some ways to make it happen:

1. Know your child: This may be the easiest one of the strategies because I believe that parents normally know their kids better than anyone. We are truly the experts on our own kids. We know that if little Mary doesn’t get a nap before 3:00 p.m. the rest of the day will crumble. We know that when little Ronnie doesn’t eat breakfast, the minute he gets in the car he will say he’s hungry.  Having this simple information will allow us to plan and be prepared, so only one of us is having a meltdown!
2. Know your limits: Our reactions to our children’s actions are often determined as much by the way we feel and the kind of day we’ve had as by what our children actually do. They are also determined in part by the way we were parented. Whether we choose to do things completely different from our own parents, or find ourselves uttering the same words that we heard as children, the fact remains that our reactions to our children are based on very complex set of circumstances, present and past. When you find yourself under “fire” and feeling like the situation can only get worse from where you stand, it’s perfectly reasonable and even desirable for you to safely remove yourself from the situation and take your own “time-out”. Not only will it give you an opportunity to cool off: it will also be teaching your kids the value of taking a moment to calm down and regroup.
3. Keep calm: It all boils down to our ability to interact with our children without losing our heads. Yet, that’s the tool that demands the most inner work because it is based on the concept that our children are counting on us remaining calm when they push the boundaries. That makes them feel safe and it allows them to learn. Our job is to be prepared and respond before the situation gets out hand and we are more likely to react in a negative way. Remember, your children may be pushing your buttons, but they didn’t install the system!

The parenting role is vast and often daunting. Requirements shift constantly as children, each with individual needs and personalities, change and grow.

In the end it’s not a matter of knowing what to do, it’s a matter of doing what you know.”  Russell Barkley, Ph.D

Sandra is the “soul” and “coach” behind the Soulful Parent. She has worked in Early Intervention, Special Education and has supported many families in the road to successful parenting. She became a PCI Certified Parent Coach® because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. Sandra believes that life becomes a more enjoyable journey when you lead from your strengths! She can be contacted Sandra {at} thesoulfulparent(.)com and www.thesoulfulparent.com for more information about seminars, presentations and individual coaching services.