Getting Ready for Kindergarten!

By: Sandra Huber

It’s that time of the year when parents of pre-school kids to start thinking about the end of the school year and the decisions they need to make about pre-K or Kindergarten. Many questions come to mind: Will my child be ready to start in a classroom with a different routine? Is she learning everything she needs for Kindergarten readiness? Should I hold him back a year and wait for him to mature some more?

Many parents worry about their child’s first day in kindergarten, because they are concerned that the child might feel scared or lost, or that learning to get along with a group of new children might be overwhelming. Most children do just fine and are excited about entering into this new phase of their learning!

Here are 3 simple ideas to help you prepare for the transition:

1. Be Sensitive. Validate your child’s fears and reassure him or her. Point out how he or she has succeeded in new challenges in the past, and will be fine with this challenge too. Point out that you, too, have felt nervous about starting something new, such as a new job. Give specific examples when your child might have felt jitters before and how they handled it well, such as performing in a dance recital or ballgame.
2. Stay Positive. Keeping the topic of school positive and exciting is important. Don’t let your own emotions influence your child’s feelings about starting school.
3. Adjust Schedules Early. Don’t wait until the day before school starts to give your child an earlier bedtime or wake up call. If your child knows the routine of what is expected on a school morning in advance, it definitely will make school mornings less stressful.

It is also very helpful to meet his teacher before school starts and to walk the halls of his new school in mid-August . It will make both of you more comfortable and off to a great start!!!

Parenting: You Don’t Have to Do it Alone

By: Sandra Huber

No one said parenting was easy. Today more people are realizing that parenting is so much more than providing food, clothing, shelter and a decent education. We want to give our children the best chance to grow up healthy, strong and safe. We may have different approaches to achieving these goals: different techniques, values or priorities. One thing I find consistent across cultural differences is parents’ need for support from peers as they walk this crazy journey called parenting!

Research shows healthy and supportive relationships reduce stress and improve your overall health & sense of well-being (How to Create Truly Supportive Friend­ships-Make the Most of Your Social Circle-By Elizabeth Scott, M.S). This is especially important for parents! I have been blessed to belong to a play­group of moms who have been meeting since our daughter was 9 months old. We have shared the raising of our children, the challenges of motherhood and partnerships and we have been there for the fun times and the ones that have truly challenged us deeply.

The rise of internet communities has helped bridge the distance and unite people of similar interests from coast to coast. One thing that I continue to see, however, is the sense of isolation and despair that many moms still feel, wondering in secret if their child’s behavior and development is normal without anyone with whom to check ideas and concerns.

Cultivating a circle of truly supportive peers can make a huge dif­ference in how you handle the inevitable stress that comes with the job of raising our children. I know that being able to hear from my friends who have children the same age as our daughter was crucial. Learning about their own struggles on anything from get­ting their kids to eat their vegetables to figuring out how to deal with back talk has saved my sanity and soothed my wildest concerns, when I feared I was possibly raising some juvenile delinquent!

There are so many great places to start looking for your support network in your local area: MOPS groups, story time at the local library, Mommy and Me classes, Co-op Preschools, Gymboree classes, www.meetup.com and even the local park. I invite you to consider finding your own “tribe”: the journey is a lot more fun when you have others to share it with!

Simple Everyday Tools to Have a More Productive (and Fun) Parenting Experience

In the busy world of running errands, soccer practice, piano lessons and birthday parties, parents find themselves stretched to many limits. We find ourselves tired and feeling like things are spinning and we are desperately trying to keep the balance. It’s bad enough when your child is out of control, with a tantrum or a meltdown. When we in turn react to all that bad behavior, we end up feeling crazy and out of control. Anger, pleading, blame, guilt, and other emotional reactions to our child’s actions are not only ineffective as parenting tools but make you feel stressed out, inadequate and horrible as a parent for hours if not days afterward.

The only person you can control is you. You can guide your child in the right direction and they will make the choices that would bring them closer or farther from that goal. Your job as a parent is to break the cycle of provocation, overreaction and regret by taking charge of the one thing you can: your own behavior. Recognizing what pushes your buttons, what gets you hot under the collar will allow you to have a plan of action in place way before you get to the anger face. Mastering your responses makes your discipline more effective, models good stress management techniques for your child, and leaves you feeling calm and in control. Here are some ways to make it happen:

1. Know your child: This may be the easiest one of the strategies because I believe that parents normally know their kids better than anyone. We are truly the experts on our own kids. We know that if little Mary doesn’t get a nap before 3:00 p.m. the rest of the day will crumble. We know that when little Ronnie doesn’t eat breakfast, the minute he gets in the car he will say he’s hungry.  Having this simple information will allow us to plan and be prepared, so only one of us is having a meltdown!
2. Know your limits: Our reactions to our children’s actions are often determined as much by the way we feel and the kind of day we’ve had as by what our children actually do. They are also determined in part by the way we were parented. Whether we choose to do things completely different from our own parents, or find ourselves uttering the same words that we heard as children, the fact remains that our reactions to our children are based on very complex set of circumstances, present and past. When you find yourself under “fire” and feeling like the situation can only get worse from where you stand, it’s perfectly reasonable and even desirable for you to safely remove yourself from the situation and take your own “time-out”. Not only will it give you an opportunity to cool off: it will also be teaching your kids the value of taking a moment to calm down and regroup.
3. Keep calm: It all boils down to our ability to interact with our children without losing our heads. Yet, that’s the tool that demands the most inner work because it is based on the concept that our children are counting on us remaining calm when they push the boundaries. That makes them feel safe and it allows them to learn. Our job is to be prepared and respond before the situation gets out hand and we are more likely to react in a negative way. Remember, your children may be pushing your buttons, but they didn’t install the system!

The parenting role is vast and often daunting. Requirements shift constantly as children, each with individual needs and personalities, change and grow.

In the end it’s not a matter of knowing what to do, it’s a matter of doing what you know.”  Russell Barkley, Ph.D

Sandra is the “soul” and “coach” behind the Soulful Parent. She has worked in Early Intervention, Special Education and has supported many families in the road to successful parenting. She became a PCI Certified Parent Coach® because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. Sandra believes that life becomes a more enjoyable journey when you lead from your strengths! She can be contacted Sandra {at} thesoulfulparent(.)com and www.thesoulfulparent.com for more information about seminars, presentations and individual coaching services.

Fresh Start for Your Blended Family in 2010

Did you have a frustrating 2009 in your blended or stepfamily?  Was it a year you’d prefer to forget?  Well, it’s a New Year and time for new beginnings, new opportunities and new experiences.

Balance Your Time

At times, blended families lose balance when their noncustodial kids are visiting.  Moms become Super Step Moms and dads become Disney Dads- trying to please the kids, every moment of the day.  But- no one is happy all of the time, and giving children everything they want, the minute they ask, does not create a happy environment.

Balance Your Family

Set up house rules for all the kids, whether visiting or living full time in the house. Make sure all children are treated equally.  If a noncustodial child is visiting- it’s fine to have parent/child one-on-one time, but this time shouldn’t take you and your child away from the family for more than a couple of hours.  Remember to include noncustodial children in family activities.  Your child is not a visitor- he is a member of a blended family and should be included in family events and activities.

Balance Your Marriage

Keeping your marriage strong is the best way to have a strong and successful stepfamily.  Take time everyday to connect with your spouse.  Plan a date night 2-4 times a month for you and your mate.

Balance Your Life

As you take care of your job, your children and your mate- don’t forget about you!  Being a stepmom or stepdad in a blended family is tough.  If you keep running and running, making sure the whole world is happy and you forget yourself, you are going to burn out and be worthless to your blended family and to yourself.

Time to Relax

How do you unwind from a busy day? Is it by taking a bath, reading a favorite novel, drinking a cup of herbal tea or a glass of red wine? Do you loosen up after a workout at the gym or a walk through the neighborhood? If you are saying to yourself that you don’t have time for these things- you’re wrong. You don’t have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day.Even if you have to write them on your “to do” list- just do it.

Time to Rejuvenate

What gives you strength? Is it talking on the phone to a friend, going to a funny movie, or shopping at the mall? Figure out what activities you truly enjoy doing and make time to do these things, too. Figure out a time, at least 1-2 times a month, to schedule something special- just for you.

Time for Respect

If you are always the one saying, “Go ahead, I’ll clean up” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t want any- you can have a second helping, ” how can others respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

At birthdays, when your family asks, “What can we get you?” - think about it, and give them a thoughtful list. You are a precious, unique person. Treat yourself that way!  Do you want your daughter to treat herself as someone who always comes in last place, gives up the good seats, the last bite of special food? No, of course not.

Time to Remember

Create a box, drawer or file to keep remembrances. Put cards (birthday, mother’s day, anniversary, thank-you notes) - anything you receive, into this box.  If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your remembrance box.  Periodically, go through your box and read these compliments and praises.

Time for Yourself

You’re worth it!  Make time for yourself. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, soul and body.  Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.

Add to this list to create a better year, a more successful blended family and a healthier you!

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and author of Blended Family Advice. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and stepfamilies grow strong and be successful.  Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family, http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

Parenting Tools for the New Year

Happy New Year!

As 2010 has come seemingly out of nowhere, many of us are taking some time to look at what we want this year to look like in all different areas of our lives. The start of the year is a great opportunity for many of us to set up goals and intentions to carry us through the next 365 days. If you have decided to make your parenting experience a powerful and meaningful one this year, you’ve come to the right place.

Parents are very busy people, there’s no denying that, and too often we get so wrapped up in the “business of life” that we tend to forget that we are human beings operating a human enterprise: Raising our children to become the adults we want them to be. When the going gets tough, no matter how much we love our children, it still feels like a lot of hard work.

Here are some simple yet powerful tools to start your year off on the right track.

Tool#1: Take good care of yourself

Most parents are tired, stressed overwhelmed and overworked. It’s important to remember to put gas in your (emotional) tank! Parenting is hard work and requires lots, and lots of energy. Taking care of yourself as a parent means that you will have the energy to really be the parent you want to be. It is important to realize that your well-being is as important as everyone else’s. It’s knowing that you are worth the time and energy that it takes to take good, loving care of yourself, even when that means saying no to others. It is living in integrity with yourself and the world around you.

Now the obvious question is, what are some examples of good self care? Treating yourself to your own personal “down time,” whatever that might be for you will help you to better handle the most highly charged of situations with your children. As the mom of a young girl, I realize that taking time for me allows me to become a great role model for her in the process. For some of you, this “care and feeding of the soul” could be a walk in nature, while for others it will be enjoying a favorite activity. It could be dancing with your child to their favorite tunes (you get movement for your health in the process), scheduling that mammogram, calling a friend or drinking enough water.

I invite you to take a close look at your routines and where you can find “down time”;  even if that means locking yourself up in the bathroom for 5 minutes. Make it your parenting goal to do the things that help you get centered and assist you in being a happier, peaceful parent. What a wonderful thing to model to your children!

Tool#2: Be aware of your own hot buttons

Easier said that done, right? Here’s where looking at your beliefs, your own upbringing and your thoughts comes into play. It’s crucial that you understand what pushes YOUR buttons. What is it that your child says or does that drives you crazy? The reason why this is imporant is because it allows you to prepare a strategy on how to handle the situations that will inevitable come up. It also allows for you to take responsibility for your reaction. I like the saying as it applies to anyone in your life who’s really pushing your buttons: “They may be pushing the buttons but they didn’t install the system!”

The more you know yourself, both what you like and what you don’t like, what is important to you and what is not, the better you’ll be able to manage your own behavior the next time a “situation” occurs. We can’t predict those “moments” nor can we control them. And when you think about it, that’s a very freeing proposition: you and only you have control over your own reactions. Be prepared with a plan of action for when your kids push our buttons. Trust me, it’s much easier if only ONE of you is having the melt-down!

We have fewer parental regrets when we respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally!

Tool#3: Consistency and clear boundaries are key

Make sure to set some time and decide what your “family rules” are: what you are OK with and what you simply won’t tolerate. It is crucial to set clear rules and boundaries and stick to them! Limits are necessary for kids to know they are within a safe environment where they can explore and experiment with growing up. Also, be consistent and follow through with consequences.

When kids mess up we are sometimes too busy, too tired, too guilty, or too afraid they won’t like us anymore to do what we know we need to do. You need to remain consistent in your discipline efforts. If you do not keep consistent you will start to lose your battle even if it only happens once.

It is not always convenient to be consistent. But it is important that we offer our children a concrete, define set of rules that apply every single time.  It makes it easier to parent form that place!

Tool#4: Teach by example

You want your children to be healthy, happy, compassionate, successful and kind. One of the simplest and most effective ways to achieve that goal is to understand that our children learn by watching what we do. We are their example on handling stress, how to speak respectfully, how we show patience, prejudice, tolerance or compassion.

Your child will learn by watching you.

Our kids really do learn from what we do, not from what we say. If you want them to have a strong self-esteem, be sure that yours is strong. If you want them to be loving, kind people, you be a loving, kind person. If you want them to take responsibility for their actions, be responsible in your own life.

What we model, conciously or not to our children in every single one of those every day experiences is far more powerful that any lesson or lecture we try to give them.

Have you ever heard your kid screaming in the house and have found yourself screaming at her to stop screaming? Or hitting your child because they hit you? Remember: You are your children’s first and greatest teacher and role model!
Remember: No single parenting technique magically works with all children. I invite you to honor the wisdom of your heart & trust you know your child best! You don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent: I encourage you to trust that your children WILL survive the mistakes you make & you WILL survive theirs!

Sandra is the “soul” and “coach” behind the Soulful Parent. She has worked in Early Intervention, Special Education and has supported many families in the road to successful parenting. She became a PCI Certified Parent Coach® because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. Sandra believes that life becomes a more enjoyable journey when you lead from your strengths! She can be contacted Sandra {at} thesoulfuparent(.)com and www.thesoulfulparent.com for more information about seminars, presentations and individual coaching services.

When the “Shift” Hits the Fan

By: Sandra Huber

It was 9:00 a.m. I had been up all night with a sick child who had spent half of the night turning into Linda Blair from the Exorcist: “green pea soup” everywhere. The poor thing was exhausted and so was I.  I decided to call in sick and schedule the work meeting over the phone, anticipating updates on my new position at work.  I followed up with the agreed time even though I was in no mood to do a conference call.  But I did.  It was in that call that I found what happens when “the shift ” hits the fan.  I was fired.  Over the phone!

The details of what happened and why are less important than what happened to me after hearing the news.  Any parent who has faced a difficult situation such as the loss of a loved one, unemployment, chronic illness or the loss of their home knows what an emotional blow any of those are.  A parent who has found themselves scared and confused as I was, knows that no matter what is going on for us personally one of our first reaction is to try to protect our children from our feelings.  But what do you do when you can’t stop sobbing, your nose is brighter than Rudolph’s and your child asks you “mommy, why are you crying?”

After I got off the phone that morning, I realized that my daughter was watching closely to see if I was OK.  I could see by the expression on her face that she was reassured as I shared with her how hurt and disappointed I was by what had happened.  I was honest and told her that she was probably going to see more tears from me.  I shared that I was sad at the loss of connection with many people from my old job who I loved very much.  She looked at me and said with the wisdom that only a 7 year-old has: “But mommy can find them on Facebook?”

Emotions are a funny thing.  Scientists tell us that one of the main things that distinguish humans from the rest of the animal Kingdom is our need and desire to express our feelings.  We are emotional beings.

We all want our children to grow up to be healthy, well adjusted, loving and caring adults, capable of empathy and compassion.  We want them to learn to express and manage their feelings well.  One way to do that is by being authentic, responsible and caring people ourselves.  We model for them the good, the bad and the ugly!  The responsibility of modeling behavior to and for our children may seem daunting at times.  What do you do when you find yourself stressed out, upset and crying?   I’d like to invite you to model the appropriate expression of ALL feelings to your kids: the positive and negative feelings!  Jump up and down when you are happy.  Cry when you are sad. Ask for a “time out” when you are angry.  Remember, kids learn by example.

Life has a way of providing learning lessons every step of the way.  If we choose to look at it this way, we are open to using situations deemed as good or bad as “teachable” moments.  The longer I am on this parenting journey, the clearer it becomes that my child learns to handle life in great part by how she sees the people in her life do just that.  By openly sharing with her in an age-appropriate way, she is learning that her feelings are valid, valued and important.  We teach our children how to deal with their feelings by how they see us handle ours.  It calls for an awareness of our own parenting style, and acknowledging and honoring our own emotions.

It has been a few days now and we are all adjusting well.  My husband and I took some time to check with our daughter and make sure that we tended to any feelings or worries she may have had about the changing situation.  We shared with our daughter that since mommy is “God-employed” now, we need to make some adjustments to our family spending.  Having shared with her losing my job and what it means to all of us as family, it gave her the opportunity to come up with ways to feel part of the process of saving money. She decided to have her birthday party at home, with a movie, cake and ice cream, as opposed to the traditional skate deck, museum or bouncy house. She has ownership of this process at the level that is comfortable and appropriate for her. What a great learning opportunity for her and for us as a family, to come together as a team!

Sandra Huber is the “Soul”  and “Coach” behind The Soulful Parent. Sandra became a PCI Certified Parent Coach because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. She believes that with appropriate tools, encouragement and support, parents can get the help they need to be confident in creating a positive, healthy home environment for themselves and their children. You can find out more about her at www.thesoulfulparent.com

How Do You Monitor and Control the Media in Your Home?

Is Your Family the Next GM?

Living outside of Detroit, I along with millions of other people have been living this economic slump and its effects on the auto industry for months now.  Though the economic slump has wreaked havoc on all automakers, domestic and foreign alike, the biggest casualty has been General Motors.  Receiving billions in federal aid and engrossed in a bankruptcy, GM has probably seen its darkest days these past few months and its long-term viability is tenuous at best.  There are a lot of different reasons GM has gotten to the point it is now and the point of this article isn’t to bash GM because frankly that has been done to death and that isn’t what we do.  If you truly want to understand the reasons behind GM’s woes, then you should look up some automotive experts or contact them directly on Twitter because I am not an expert in anything.

But the one thing I wondered throughout this entire crisis is how GM gave up control of their future and why they so willingly and naively left their future in the hands of the banking and financial industry.   And I began to wonder even more how many families have also given up their control to someone or something else because they expected someone else would always do the right thing or were too overwhelmed with everyday life to figure it out on their own.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there is only so much planning and protecting a family can do, but I don’t believe that our destiny and well being belongs entirely in the hands of our jobs and health.  A family’s future depends primarily on the choices they make, their ability to adapt to change, and the strength of their core.

Here are the top four ways my family tries to protect ourselves from someone else’s choices and better control our destiny.   What are your family’s strategies?  Do you have one?

Strong Balance Sheet - The reality of any family’s life is their ability to pay their bills both in good times and in bad.  Families with strong balance sheets have much more flexibility, are better prepared to reach their family goals, and are better protected in bad economic times.  If your balance sheet is weak, Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover can help you get it right.

Job Skills - Staying current with your education and job skills can mean the difference between whether you or the person sitting next to you gets the job.  So whether you are currently active in the job market or have taken some time off to raise a family, make it a point to stay current in your field of work and have an updated resume.  You may need these job skills in case you get laid off or need to go back to working outside the home.

Stay Networked - Get active in your community and schools so that you have a strong network of friends and an ear out for new and different opportunities.

Know Who You Are - Families with a clear vision of who they are have a plan in place for both good and bad times.  Take the time to figure out who your family is with a family vision and mission statement and then work to make it happen with family goals and overcoming the yeah but’s.

How to Choose the Right Extra-Curricular Activity for Your Child

As a parent we all want our children to try new things and explore interests and talents, but at the same time it can be a real challenge trying to manage children’s extra-curricular activities with family life, family needs, and financial constraints.  So to minimize the disruptions and toll that too many extra-curricular activities or poor choices have on your family life, use these tips to focus your decisions and help you choose the right extra-curricular for both your children and family.

Watch Your Child Play - Do they consistently go back to the same activities?  Do they continually do these activities without prompting or suggestions from you?  Then this is a sign that they may have a real interest and you may want to explore it a bit further by signing them up for a class or lesson.

Look for Natural Talents - Some kids are just natural athletes, artists, or musicians and parents can usually spot these talents early on through the child’s play and interests.  Encourage them to try something that will focus on their natural talent.

Give it Some Time - If you child requests to take lessons or try a certain sport, give it a little time before rushing out and signing them up to be sure their interest is for real and not a passing fancy from something they picked up on TV or from friends.  If after a couple of weeks, they have made multiple requests or have continued to talk about it, then you probably have a child with genuine interest and would be worth exploring further. 

Minimize Your Investment - Extra-curricular activities can be expensive so minimize your initial investment by using rental or used equipment, asking for trial classes, and letting them watch classes.

Ask Why - Push back a little with questions like “what seems fun about soccer?”, or “what about dance classes do you like?”  By taking the time to explore their interests and reasons helps both the parent and child make better decisions and choices.

Good luck!

How To Avoid the Competitive Parent Trap

Ah, the beginning of a new school year, marking the end of the summer boredom blues and the return of structure to our days. A time when parents rejoice, teachers cry, and the sport of competitive parenting begins.  Competitive parenting for those of you unfamiliar or new to parenting is the terrible sport started by parents to give their children an upper hand, while making themselves feel successful as parents and other parents insecure and guilty.   Every school and neighborhood has them, the parents who make it their job to ensure their children are the best at everything.  They sign them up for every enrichment activity available, hire math tutors and French teachers, and make it their business to keep tabs on the achievements and failures of every child in the class.  They are constantly measuring the achievements of their children to other children and seemingly will stop short of nothing to make them the best or at least keep up.  And leaving in their dust, parents who really don’t want to compete, but not sure how to avoid it. 

So to help every parent who is ready to stand up to the competitive parenting pressure here are some tips to help you survive the new school year.

Stop Measuring Your Success as a Parent by the Achievements of Your Child 

Believe it or not, but your success as a parent has NOTHING to do with the achievements of your children and has EVERYTHING to do with how emotionally strong and prepared your children are to lead their own lives.    Your job as a parent isn’t to make sure they get into Harvard or become the next Bill Gates, but rather your job as a parent is to nurture, inspire, and teach your children to define their own success and happiness while giving them the skills and tools necessary to make it happen.

Surround Yourself with Supportive Likeminded Friends

Nothing will make a parent more insecure and nervous than having a friend who lives in the competitive parenting trap.  So to make sure you don’t fall prey to the trap and all the drama that comes with it, distance yourself from others who are living in it.  Instead, surround yourself with parents and friends with similar goals and parenting techniques so that you are uplifted and supported. 

Believe in Your Child

Children are born with an innate realization of who they are as individuals.  It isn’t until parents start getting involved that their natural instincts get over shadowed and this understanding loses focus.  So to protect them from forgetting who they are, teach them from an early age to trust their instincts and pursue their passions.  Children can and will do amazing things with their lives if we give them the space and tools to help them.

Do yourself and your children a favor this new school year and stop competing.  Believe in yourself as a parent, stop measuring your success through your children, surround yourself with supportive friends, and most importantly let your children dream their own dreams.

Good luck!

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