Listen to Me!

Laura Rolands of My Attention Coach

Are you frustrated when your kids don’t listen?  This is a common challenge for us parents and I see this frequently in my coaching.  Active listening provides many benefits in our relationships and in daily conversations.  By actively listening, you will better understand what is being discussed and be better equipped to provide valuable input at the appropriate time.  “But wait!” you say, “my child needs to listen better, not me!”  Understood.  I encourage you to consider a different viewpoint.  Often we may need to look at our own listening skills in order to improve those of our children.  Today, I share ideas for improving your own and your child’s listening skills.

Active Listening

Sometimes when someone else is speaking, you might spend time figuring out what you will say next and that can interfere with your understanding of the situation.  Or you might simply struggle to pay attention to what is being said.  You will gain more insight into discussions and have more meaningful input if you actively listen while the other person is speaking. There are steps you and your child can take, however, to  improve your active listening skills.

Practice Listening

Talk to your child when things are calm around the house.  Take turns telling each other something about a recent event.  Make it brief, but long enough to stretch your listening skills.  Two to four minutes is a good time length to start.  Let your child start so you can model the active listening.  When your child is done talking, reflect the story back to him or her and ask for feedback.  Discuss with your child what got in the way of your listening and brainstorm ways you can listen more actively in the future.  Then reverse roles and tell your child something of interest.  Help them to talk through the experience.  Practice this a few times each week and keep track of your listening skills to see if you notice any improvements.

Try Fidgeting

Perhaps you or your child drift off and lose focus while struggling to listen while someone is talking during a conversation or meeting.  Another activity to try is to fidget, which can work work people with or without ADHD.  One of my coaching colleagues, Sarah Wright and her co-author, Roland Rotz, wrote a book called Fidget to Focus.  Outwit Your Boredom: Sensory Strategies for Living With ADD (2005).  Their book explains that fidgeting means “any simultaneous sensory-motor stimulation strategy”.  The authors encourage using the active of fidgeting to keep your brain activated which will help you pay attention to what you need to pay attention to.  Examples of fidgeting include squeezing a stress ball, chewing gum, playing with pipe cleaners and even listening to music.

Laura Rolands is the founder of LSR Coaching and Consulting, LLC. She is a coach whose passion is to support, lead and inspire independence and success for people who have either been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or who are facing other attention-related challenges. Her clients include individuals with attention-related challenges and/or their parents. If you have any questions or more suggestions to add, please visit her website at www.MyAttentionCoach.com.

Setting Realistic Expectations for Ourselves and Kids

By Sandra Huber of the The Soulful Parent

As the excitement over New Year resolutions is fading away the talk about goals and expectations seems to lessen. Yet, many of us know that setting realistic expectations for our families is more than a New Year”s resolution.  It’s important for the health and well being of our children as well as the adults in the family.  But, how do we set realistic expectations that are fair and reasonable?  How do we know if we are doing it “right”?

One of the most important  lessons I have learned on this journey as a mom and a parent consultant is how important it is to share our values and priorities with our children, while giving them the opportunity to see us meeting our own expectations and goals.

Have clarity about your dreams, goals and expectations for you and your family

I can’t stress this enough. Goals and expectations are an important part of the health and well being of our family but we need to know what it is that we want.

I know sometimes we think  (for our own sanity!) that it is easier to choose to go with the flow.  I always remember what my grandma used to say: “Honey, only dead fish go with the flow”.

Know thyself and thy child

Communicate clearly

All relationships benefit from good communication and when it comes to setting goals and expectations within our family good communication is crucial. If we want our family members to behave in a certain way or to perform a task, it’s important that we spell out our expectations clearly.

In order for our children to be able to achieve any goals and expectations ,they not only have to be reasonable and realistic: they have to be clear, concise and understandable.  If I tell my 5 year old to be “good” because I have a headache, I am not giving her the opportunity to succeed on the task at hand. It is important to be clear when we use words like “good” or “nice”. Telling her “I need you to play quietly for 10 minutes” would better help her understand what I really want her to do.

Remember: Adults cannot read each others’ minds and neither can children.

Sandra is the “soul” and “coach” behind the Soulful Parent. She has worked in Early Intervention, Special Education and has supported many families in the road to successful parenting. She became a PCI Certified Parent Coach® because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. Sandra believes that life becomes a more enjoyable journey when you lead from your strengths! She can be contacted Sandra {at} thesoulfulparent(.)com and www.thesoulfulparent.com for more information about seminars, presentations and individual coaching services.

The Power of Encouragement

By Sandra Huber of the The Soulful Parent

The world is an awesome place, full of new experiences and opportunities for parents and kids to learn to navigate every day. The rules change every day it seems and the tools available for parents are often contradictory and dividing.

Have you ever consider how meaningful a word of encouragement is for a tired mom, an exhausted dad or a frustrated child? It makes a huge difference when we support each other especially when it comes to figuring out how to deal with pressures, challenges and new lessons that help us grow as people.

I recognized that there is a huge difference between encouraging and pushing when other people try to get us to do what they think is best for us. Honoring who we are and where we are in our personal journey is an invaluable gift!

We develop close connections with our children and our family when we support them even when we’d prefer that they chose something else: a different toy, a different sport, a different mate or even a different career. It’s a great opportunity to show our unconditional love and make them feel that their goals and ambitions matter to us too. We show we “see them”!

When we encourage someone, including our children, we inspire them to be themselves. And in the end, empowering someone to be the best they can be, honoring exactly who they are is the best advice you can give anyone, old or young!

Sandra is the “soul” and “coach” behind the Soulful Parent. She has worked in Early Intervention, Special Education and has supported many families in the road to successful parenting. She became a PCI Certified Parent Coach® because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. Sandra believes that life becomes a more enjoyable journey when you lead from your strengths! She can be contacted Sandra {at} thesoulfulparent(.)com and www.thesoulfulparent.com for more information about seminars, presentations and individual coaching services.

The Rules of Engagement

Five Tips to Getting Your Child to Listen

Susan Heid of The Confident Mom

This topic gets a lot of attention! I often speak at MOPS groups and when I open up time for Q & A this topic comes up in one form or another. It is frustrating – no one likes to be talking and feel like no one is listening, especially moms who are trying to get everyone to do their part. This is a hot button for me, when I feel like my kids are not listening, just blowing me off or missing important instruction because they seemingly just don’t care, I often evaluate what part I am playing. Often times, we both are contributing to the frustration.

I have a few points to keep in mind when you get frustrated with your child not listening, or just to keep in practice so you don’t get to that frustrated point.

1. Short and sweet does the trick

“When you wish to instruct, be brief; then men’s minds take in quickly what you say, learn its lesson, and retain it faithfully. Every word that is unnecessary only pours over the side of a brimming mind.” - Cicero, Roman orator, statesman

I love this quote and the relevance it has, especially with regard to parenting. I think we as parents get into a bad habit of trying to explain too much to our kids – at the wrong time! There is a time and place for long conversations, explaining reasons and rules – but choosing those times carefully will prevent a lot of confusion. In my ScreamFree Parenting we touch on this topic and how to not get caught up in power struggles or long drawn out explanations that usually end up getting no where. Being short and sweet, to the point will get you and your child much farther than long drawn out instruction or reasoning.

2. Make eye contact

Have you tried this before? I know this technique works very well, but I often get in too much of a hurry and forget to get my child to stop and look at me when I am giving instruction. I recently had a conversation with one of my children about how frustrated I was with him not listening. I told him what I needed from him and then asked him what he needed from me. He paused for a few moments and then told me he needed me to look him in the eye when I was talking to him. No shocker here, but how often I forget the basic steps! I told him I could certainly try to make that happen more and we were both happy with the outcome.

3. Have your child repeat instructions back to you

Do you have your child repeat instructions back to you? If you do, how does this work. I have found when I stop and take the time to have my children repeat instructions or requests back we are both fully aware of what the expectation is. There is no room for miscommunication, no “that’s not what you said”, or even the common “I never heard you.” Try to incorporate this more into your daily routine and it will start to come to you more naturally and you won’t even realize you are doing it!

4. Give choices

You may wonder – how does this have anything to do with getting my child to listen? Well, if you are engaging your child in a decision making process they are much more apt to listen closely. Giving instruction in a way that you empower your child to make a choice will keep his attention, especially when you are making eye contact as you have this conversation.

5. Are you listening to them?

Do you multi-task when your child is trying to tell you about their day? Are you busy working at the computer when your child is asking you a question? I am a big believer that children learn by example, so what are you truly teaching your children when you respond in this manner? I wonder how much influence it may have on my children when I am trying to do so many other things all while listening to them, and how they might get the idea they don’t have to give me their undivided attention when I am talking to them. Kind of a double standard, don’t you think? So, take the pause you may need in order to really listen to your child, if you need to ask them to wait a minute for you to finish, then do so. I am sure they would much prefer a mom who is giving 100% of her time to them rather than half-way listening.

You are a busy mom, lots of things to juggle and the last thing you need is to have to repeat yourself over and over. Hopefully you can try one of these new approaches to help move the little people along in your life without all the frustration!

Susan Heid helps moms get the BIG picture on how their home is functioning and then helps them gain relief with a personalized plan of action to give life changing results.  Susan’s training as a PCI Certified Parent Coach. a Certified Family Manager Coach and a ScreamFree Certified Leader gives her a unique combination to encourage and support busy moms in the art of Home and Family Management.  Empowering Moms and Strengthening Families is her passion.  Are you ready to make positive changes that will impact your family for generations?  You can start by visiting The Confident Mom and requesting her FREE ebook, “Getting Kids to Cooperate and Become Team Players – 10 Essential Strategies and Solutions”.

Family Meals Made Easy for November

Great Recipes, Helpful Hints, and Fun Ideas

Family Fun Idea

The next couple of months we are going to use dinner time as a way of establishing meaningful opportunities to talk with our kids. Using dinner time to engage in meaningful conversations with each other is an easy way to reconnect, share thoughts, and check the pulse of the family. This isn’t something that should be forced in the family. The ideas for conversation are just thought starters. Feel free to modify them as needed for your family’s tastes and ages. They are meant to be answered by both parents and kids.

Conversation Starter Idea

For the kids – When you become a parent, what things will you do differently and what things will you do the same? Why?

For the parents – Now that you are a parent, how is your parenting style different from your parents? What things are you doing differently and what things are you doing the same?

Why this Question is Important….

Giving kids the opportunity to talk about how they would parent, gives parents some insight into what things are important to their kids and to some possible frustrations. Likewise, by parents sharing how they are different from their parents, gives kids an opportunity to better understand their parents and to reflect on some of the choices their parents make.

Great Recipes

The original recipe for this came from a Cooking Light magazine, but I have modified it further to make it a little more lighter and to better suit my family’s tastes.

Green Beans with Balsamic Browned Butter

Ingredients

4 Cups Fresh Cut Green Beans
3 Tablespoons Light Butter
3 Teaspoons Low-Sodium Soy Sauce
11/2 Teaspoons Balsamic Vinegar

Steam the green beans in a covered pan for about 10 minutes. While the green beans are
steaming, melt the butter in a small skillet over medium heat. Cook the butter for 3 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove the butter from the heat and stir in the soy sauce and vinegar. Transfer the green beans to a serving dish and drizzle the balsamic butter over the green beans. Serve.

Helpful Hints

To cut down on the number of pots and pans you use and to make clean up easier, try steaming the green beans in a microwave steamer bag. You can find them in the plastic wrap aisle at your local grocery store. Simply place the green bags in the plastic steamer bag, zip it close and follow the directions printed on the bag.

Make family meal preparation easy and less stressful with either our monthly family meal planner or our new weekly meal planner.

Being Intentional About How You Communicate With Your Kids and Spouse

A family with purpose is a family who is intentional about who they are as individuals and as a family. They know who they are, what they stand for, and what they want from life. They have goals and dreams and plans to make them happen. They are families who live their lives with meaning.

“Is your homework done?” “Your room is a mess! Clean it up now!” “Did you remember the milk?” “You’re not just going to sit there all night, are you?”

Does this sound like your family? Let’s face it. Life is hard. Families are busy and there are days when it seems all we have to say to each other are complaints, desperate pleas for help, or tactical questions of who is doing what. Every family has days like these. But families with purpose manage to go beyond the day to day talk of snide complaints and fire drill tactics to foster a deeper level of communicating. Families with purpose manage to weave into their lives real conversations about the friend at school who has suddenly became so cold or the co-worker who will do anything for the next promotion; as well as the more joyous conversations about next year’s family vacation or the possibility of an exciting new job half way across the country.

Families with purpose are intentional about how they communicate by making it a point of their daily lives to really talk. They make it a point to go beyond the daily obligatory comments and questions to connect on a much deeper level. Here are some signs your family is on the right track.

• Parents regularly spend time discussing their kids, their goals and aspirations, and the general direction of their lives. They know intimate details about what is important to each other and they respect and encourage each other.
• Your children come to you with most of their problems and seek out your advice. Most children are not willing to share every detail of their lives with their parents, but when they are really struggling with something they are not afraid to ask for help.
• Kids feel comfortable asking their parents questions about things they don’t understand. A home in which children are encourage to seek answers and are not afraid to ask is a home in which children will thrive emotionally, academically, and socially.
• Parents take the time to answer their children’s questions and they answer them truthfully. When kids repeatedly hear “not now, I’m busy” or “can we talk later?” they quickly learn the message their questions and thoughts aren’t important. It is also important to answer your kids truthfully even when it is difficult to do so. Children are very perceptive and can sense when their parents are not being straight with them. Nothing will destroy your children’s trust in you faster than a lie.
• Parents frequently make themselves available to their spouse and kids when they can’t be with them in person. They have systems in place to reach them in other ways (e.g. phone calls, text messaging, email, etc).
• Parents and children understand what is important to each other and know each other’s dreams, goals, and aspirations. This is connecting and communicating on its deepest level. When a family isn’t afraid to share some of their innermost thoughts they have truly connected.

Communicating on a deeper level like this doesn’t happen over night. It takes a lot of time, attention, and patience to develop this level of trust and communication. Here are some suggestions to help you get on the right track.

• Avoid judging, shock, or hysteria in talking with each other. Kids and spouses won’t come to you if they feel judged or embarrassed. Sometimes just quietly listening is all that is needed.
• Be ready and willing to give kids real world answers and solutions to their problems. This takes understanding the social dynamic at your kids’ school as well as the skill in giving kids the words they need to talk through a problem with their friends, telling a friend no, or standing up to a bully. Kids won’t take your advice or find it helpful if you can’t make it real for them.
• Actively listening and watching for signs of stress. Signs will come in the form of behavior changes, little comments, hanging around waiting for you to notice, or comments/calls from the teacher.
• Make it okay for kids and spouses to tell you when they are upset and frustrated with you. You don’t have to agree, but you do have to hear them.
• Be willing to admit when you don’t have the answers and offer to help them find one.
• Be willing to apologize to your kids when you make a mistake. This is huge and will go a long way in fostering a deeper relationship with your kids.

Does your family have a purpose?

Will They Remember this as Special?

I love the song Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. I love Motown songs in general, but this one holds special meaning because I love to change the lyrics around a little and sing it to my girls. Just my little way of letting them know that I will always be there for them. But I’m a little concerned they find it more embarrassing rather than meaningful, sweet, enduring. My main clues? They roll their eyes, say in a disgusted voice “Mother”, and slouch down in their seats just in case we drive by one of their friends with the window open.
I know the lyrics were probably written as an expression of romantic love, but if you really listen to them they can easily express the love between a parent (or at least a mother who doesn’t want to let go) and child. Here is my version. What do you think?

Listen Baby…

Ain’t no mountain high
Ain’t no valley low
Ain’t no river wide enough baby

If you need me call me
no matter where you are
no matter how far (don’t worry baby)
just call my name
I’ll be there in a hurry
you don’t have to worry

chorus:
‘Cause baby there
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe (This is where I change the lyrics to “my babies” – I have more than one and of course can’t leave anyone out!)

Remember the day
I set you free (I secretly dread the day they leave for college – I will cry for weeks)
I told you you could always count on me darling
From that day on
I made a vow
I’ll be there when you want me
some way somehow

Chorus

No wind,
No rain

Or winter’s cold
Can’t stop me baby
’cause you are my beau (I change this to babies)
(if you’re ever in trouble
I’ll be there on the double
just send for me)
ooo baby

My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart

If you ever need a helping hand
I’ll be there on the double
just as fast as I can

Don’t you know that there aint no
mountain high enough,
ain’t no valley low enough,
aint no river wide enough to keep
me from getting to you babe

Don’t you know that there aint no
mountain high enough,
ain’t no valley low enough
aint no river wide enough to keep
me from getting to you babe

At the end of the song I plead with them to let me live with them forever and the only one at this point who will say yes, is my 4 year old (she still thinks I’m cool). The baby just smiles and the older two emphatically say “No!”

So will they remember this as one of the “little things” or have I become the object of their jokes and “funny mom stories” forever? Either way, I don’t particularly care…..

Should I Let it Go?

Well I just had one of those moments of parenthood where I had to decide – “Do I let this go” or “Should I say something”….

It all started this weekend when we were discussing at dinner the news that our nephew (my daughters’ cousin) was going to be a father.  We were having dinner with our nephew’s parents and discussing the joyful news of a new baby in the family.  As my daughters were sitting there listening and taking it all it, my 9 year old started to ask some questions.  When did Mike (her cousin, my nephew) get married?   They aren’t married?  But I thought you said they were having a baby?  How old is Mike (he’s 22)?  As we answered the questions, I looked at my daughter and could just see the wheels turning in her head.  She was slowly realizing that you didn’t have to be married to have a baby.  Up until now, she had never been exposed to this concept.  To her, the process was high school, college, get job, fall in love, get married, and then have children.  This was just how it was done.  So to have stumbled upon this “new” way of doing things was definitely intriguing!

As I sat there and watched the “wheels turning” I suddenly realized that I, the parent, had to make a decision.  Do I say something to her about this or just let it go?  By letting it go, I ran the risk of her making some assumptions about life that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with and by saying something I ran the risk of sounding judgemental and uncaring.  So what was I to do?

In the end, her father and I realized that this is one of those moments where we had to make sure our daughters understood our values and what we wanted for them and not just assume they already knew.  So we sat down with our 9 and 7 year old daughters and talked it through.  Letting them know how we felt about a baby without marriage and what we wanted for them while at the same time reassuring them that we loved and supported their cousin and his choice.  Did we do the right thing?  I think so, but only time will tell.  What would you have done?

Families with Purpose