Sibling rivalry, every parent with more than one child deals with it.  It can be one of the most frustrating and worrisome thing for parents.

I have been parenting for 15 ½ years now, and 14 of those years have been parenting more than one child.  I have made a lot of mistakes in how I have dealt with the rivalry between my kids and I have made some good decisions as well.   Here are six things I have learned along the way.

Older siblings don’t like younger siblings copying them

Whether the motivation is out of competitiveness or admiration, younger siblings like to copy older siblings.  When the younger sibling is copying, the older sibling views it as having to share their image, identity, and own uniqueness.  Try and encourage the younger one to give the older one some space and help the older one to understand this is most likely out of admiration.

Be careful of how you label your kids

Every parenting expert in the world will tell you this, but it really is true.  We do it subconsciously and out of habit, so be aware of how you are labeling your kids both verbally and non-verbally.  It impacts them much more than we realize.

The quality of their relationship is more their responsibility than yours

This can be hard for parents to accept, but the kids really do need to figure out how to manage their own relationship.  When we give our kids the freedom to manage their own relationships it provides them with conflict and social skills, and also provides them an opportunity to bond with their siblings in their own personal way.

Give them space and freedom to be who they are

Their own identity and uniqueness is really important to them, so give them the space to express who they are in their own way.  Avoid enrolling them in the same activities because it is easier or only giving them hand-me-downs from their older sibling.  Look for opportunities for them to explore their interests in their own way and avoid letting the younger ones tag along.

Learn from your relationships

Use the relationship you had with your siblings to help you figure out how you want to foster the relationships between your kids.  What worked well with your siblings?  What do you wish you could have changed?  What was wrong with your relationship?  What things did your parents do that negatively or positively affected your relationship with your siblings?  This doesn’t mean you manage the relationship, but as the parent you have a lot of control over the tone, values, and atmosphere in your home, so use those to guide your kids and their relationship.

Accept that there will always be some degree of sibling rivalry

I used to think that it was possible to not have any sibling rivalry, but now that I am 15 years into this parenting thing, I realize there is always going to be some amount of rivalry.  The key is not to try and eliminate it, but learning how to manage it.  Focus on setting a tone of love and acceptance in your home while also giving each child the individual attention they need.  These things alone will help tremendously.

Our kids are unique individuals that really want to be seen and treated that way.  When we give them the freedom to be their unique selves while also giving them to skills to build relationships, sibling rivalry will be much easier to handle.

How do you manage sibling rivalry in your family?

I am writing this blog post probably more for me than anyone else.  I have been struggling with some big decisions lately that have led me to living in a state of uncertainty.  And I really really dislike uncertainty.  I thrive on plans, lists, and schedules and the comfort and peace they bring me.

Uncertainty for parents takes many shapes.   Uncertainty over how to discipline, what school to choose, whether to work outside the home or not, what TV shows to choose, what pediatrician to choose, and the list goes on.  And if those little people in our home didn’t rely on us for food, love and shelter, I’m not sure any of us would get out of bed.

Here are some of the ways I have been learning to deal with my uncertainty.  I wanted to share them with you in case you have been struggling too.

Wait – Sometimes the best thing I can do when not sure what to do is just wait and give myself time to really think it over.  The reason that I have rushed into decisions is because waiting and uncertainty are UNCOMFORTABLE.  Uncertainty makes me feel insecure and scared and leads me to falsely believe that making any decision is better than no decision at all.  I need to learn how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Talk it over with a loved one or friend – This can be hard for people who have a hard time asking for help (not that I would know anything about that), but it really does help to get the perspective and insights from other people especially if they have walked in those shoes before.  I try and surround myself with friends and loved ones who can relate to what I am going through and open myself up to asking them for advice.   I don’t have to have all the answers; I just need to know where to go to for help.

Understand the consequences – When struggling with a decision to make, I have found it really helpful to ask myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and “What are my options if it doesn’t turn out?”  Sometimes when I am making decisions that involve significant changes for myself and family I automatically assume the worst or jump to the worst case scenario when in reality there are a lot of different ways the situation can play out.  And when the decision turns out not to be the best one, I often have a lot of options for dealing with it that I never really considered.  Take time to really think through all the consequences and options you have and it will make dealing with your choices a little easier.

Label your fear – Fear is often behind much of my uncertainty.  Will not sending my daughter to a private school hurt her chances for college?  Will not making my child learn to play an instrument deprive her of a chance to learn self-discipline?  Will my working outside the home scar my children for life? When we learn to label the fear behind our uncertainty we are better equipped to understand it and make clearer decisions especially if the fear is irrational or exaggerated.  What am I REALLY worried about and how REAL is it?

So how do you deal and live with uncertainty?

It’s been a long two weeks.  Whether you noticed or not, I haven’t been around much either here on the blog or on our Facebook page because life was crazy busy for me.  Here is a quick re-cap of everything going on:

1. I become a single parent for two weeks because my husband goes out of town on a business trip to Germany.  I have a new found respect for single parents.
2. The school year ends which requires my contributions and time for yearend parties, 8^th grade graduations, and transporting my two teenagers around to every social event under the sun.  I now understand why parents like it when their kids learn to drive.  I can’t wait until she gets her driver’s license.
3. Lilly gets scheduled for a last minute eye surgery on the SAME day that Jennifer graduates from 8^th grade.  The surgery requires long waits at the hospital and extra doctor visits.  Lilly doesn’t complain once.  Well maybe a little when she found out she couldn’t swim for a week.  Katie manages everything on the home front with grace, maturity, and confidence while I spend 8 hours at the hospital with Lilly.  Grace finds way of keeping herself busy while Katie studies for finals.  I love those kids.
4. Jennifer realizes that a permanent tooth is growing in OVER a baby tooth that hasn’t fallen out.  Prompting me to panic and try and get her in to see our amazing dentist, but I can’t fit her in because she is booked with 8^th grade graduation events, every social event under the sun (refer back to the second bullet), and summer school (kids in our school district take summer school because it is fun…don’t ask).  I eventually get her in, but it requires me to drop her off on her own while I transport the other five kids in my car home (see bullet point 8).  The dentist and I converse over the cell phone on how many baby teeth to pull (he pulled the last two).  Did I mention how great my dentist is?  Jennifer handles the entire experience on her own with grace, maturity, and confidence.  I love that kid.
5. Softball season starts for Grace and Jennifer which requires I learn how to serve dinner by 4:00 on Monday’s and Wednesdays and get both girls to the field a half hour before every game.  I am also the “manager” (not coach) of Grace’s softball team so I have to send out email reminders and keep track of who will be at the game and who will not be at the game.
6. I completely fall off the meal planning bandwagon and can’t find time to fit in grocery shopping.  My friends, Rose and Julie, rejoice because they hate that I plan meals a month at a time and that I grocery shop the same day every week.
7. Jennifer turns 14 which requires that I frantically clean my house for her party, organize and host a birthday party, buy her birthday gifts, make her breakfast in bed (a family tradition), and make her favorite meal for dinner all while I try very hard not to let her see how sad I am that she is another year older.  I ended up burning the ribs on the grill which is why my husband is the official griller in our home but because he wasn’t home (refer back to the first bullet) I had to figure out how to do it.  Or in this case do it badly.
8. I spend a week volunteering at my church’s vacation bible school.  Which requires that I squeeze in some time to help decorate, spend a week with the most awesome group of first graders, parents, youth, and teachers, transport three of my kids along with two of their friends back and forth every day, and dig deep into my soul to find a way of being happy and perky everyday even though on most days I just wanted to rest.
9. I double book Grace on a play date because my mind has turned to mush.
10. I feel completely inadequate because my friend Cathy who was just as busy if not busier than me with vacation bible school manages to find time to write on her blog just about every day.  Whereas I barely have time to respond to emails and blog comments and run a business.
11. I become an expert in finding and getting rid of head lice….

This blog post has been so therapeutic.  I feel so much better now.  I love being their mom.  I don’t want it to ever end.

So what have you been up to these past two weeks?

I really enjoy the summer vacation months.  They give me and my kids a much needed break from the daily grind of homework, packing lunches, and school projects and more time to enjoy sleeping in, weekend getaways, and evening walks.  At first, surviving the summer months with my sanity intact wasn’t easy because I didn’t have good strategies for dealing with bickering kids, summer boredom, and adjustments to new schedules.  But over the years I have learned a few summer survival strategies that help keep me and my kids sane and wanted to share them here with you.

Avoid tensions by giving them time away from each other

I have found that the fighting and arguing between my kids grows in direct proportion to the amount of time they spend together, so I make a real effort to schedule them in camps and encourage play dates  (please note, teenagers DO NOT have play dates, they “hang out”) where they can get away from each other for a while.  Specifically in regard to the two teenagers, I try hard to give them space and don’t require that they attend every family outing or activity.  I have also found that a few hours alone without the interference of their little sisters, really helps the two teenagers regroup and improve their disposition.

Try and mix up our summer with different activities

They say variety is the spice of life and I have found this to be particularly true during the summer months when the kids have grown tired of the pool, their regular games, or when all their friends are on vacation.  So when these days (or weeks) hit, I try and plan some fun day trips for us to change our scenery a bit.  It gets us out of the house and away from the temptations of the TV and Wii and allows us to explore new towns and ice cream shops .

Maintain some type of structure

I probably do this more for me than I do my kids, but I try and maintain some type of structure to our day.  The structure and routine are much less relaxed, but it is still there to help make sure we I am getting enough sleep and to ensure that we don’t become complete bums.  The bathrooms still do need cleaned after all.  I also think it helps them adjust easier when they go back to school and when they were younger it helped to avoid meltdowns and power struggles because they had a better sense of what to expect.

Give yourselves time to adjust to the new routine

Switching gears from days filled with structured school lessons and activities to days of free play and sleeping in is actually harder than you might think.  For nine months out of the year, our kids for the most part are held to a pretty structured routine while in school.  They have learned to depend on parents and teachers to fill their days with school lessons and extra-curricular activities, and for the most part haven’t had to figure out how to fill their day.  So when summer hits and they have a big change to the structure of their days as well as what we parents expect from them, it can take a while to get into the groove.  So I have learned to make the first two weeks of summer vacation the “breaking in” period where we just learn how to adjust to the new routine.  I keep my expectations low during these two weeks, avoid scheduling too much, and I try to be a little more understanding of mood swings and frustrations (theirs and mine).

So what are your strategies for surviving the summer?  You can share your ideas, suggestions, and thoughts in the comments below.