Happy New Year!
As 2010 has come seemingly out of nowhere, many of us are taking some time to look at what we want this year to look like in all different areas of our lives. The start of the year is a great opportunity for many of us to set up goals and intentions to carry us through the next 365 days. If you have decided to make your parenting experience a powerful and meaningful one this year, you’ve come to the right place.
Parents are very busy people, there’s no denying that, and too often we get so wrapped up in the “business of life” that we tend to forget that we are human beings operating a human enterprise: Raising our children to become the adults we want them to be. When the going gets tough, no matter how much we love our children, it still feels like a lot of hard work.
Here are some simple yet powerful tools to start your year off on the right track.
Tool#1: Take good care of yourself
Most parents are tired, stressed overwhelmed and overworked. It’s important to remember to put gas in your (emotional) tank! Parenting is hard work and requires lots, and lots of energy. Taking care of yourself as a parent means that you will have the energy to really be the parent you want to be. It is important to realize that your well-being is as important as everyone else’s. It’s knowing that you are worth the time and energy that it takes to take good, loving care of yourself, even when that means saying no to others. It is living in integrity with yourself and the world around you.
Now the obvious question is, what are some examples of good self care? Treating yourself to your own personal “down time,” whatever that might be for you will help you to better handle the most highly charged of situations with your children. As the mom of a young girl, I realize that taking time for me allows me to become a great role model for her in the process. For some of you, this “care and feeding of the soul” could be a walk in nature, while for others it will be enjoying a favorite activity. It could be dancing with your child to their favorite tunes (you get movement for your health in the process), scheduling that mammogram, calling a friend or drinking enough water.
I invite you to take a close look at your routines and where you can find “down time”; even if that means locking yourself up in the bathroom for 5 minutes. Make it your parenting goal to do the things that help you get centered and assist you in being a happier, peaceful parent. What a wonderful thing to model to your children!
Tool#2: Be aware of your own hot buttons
Easier said that done, right? Here’s where looking at your beliefs, your own upbringing and your thoughts comes into play. It’s crucial that you understand what pushes YOUR buttons. What is it that your child says or does that drives you crazy? The reason why this is imporant is because it allows you to prepare a strategy on how to handle the situations that will inevitable come up. It also allows for you to take responsibility for your reaction. I like the saying as it applies to anyone in your life who’s really pushing your buttons: “They may be pushing the buttons but they didn’t install the system!”
The more you know yourself, both what you like and what you don’t like, what is important to you and what is not, the better you’ll be able to manage your own behavior the next time a “situation” occurs. We can’t predict those “moments” nor can we control them. And when you think about it, that’s a very freeing proposition: you and only you have control over your own reactions. Be prepared with a plan of action for when your kids push our buttons. Trust me, it’s much easier if only ONE of you is having the melt-down!
We have fewer parental regrets when we respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally!
Tool#3: Consistency and clear boundaries are key
Make sure to set some time and decide what your “family rules” are: what you are OK with and what you simply won’t tolerate. It is crucial to set clear rules and boundaries and stick to them! Limits are necessary for kids to know they are within a safe environment where they can explore and experiment with growing up. Also, be consistent and follow through with consequences.
When kids mess up we are sometimes too busy, too tired, too guilty, or too afraid they won’t like us anymore to do what we know we need to do. You need to remain consistent in your discipline efforts. If you do not keep consistent you will start to lose your battle even if it only happens once.
It is not always convenient to be consistent. But it is important that we offer our children a concrete, define set of rules that apply every single time. It makes it easier to parent form that place!
Tool#4: Teach by example
You want your children to be healthy, happy, compassionate, successful and kind. One of the simplest and most effective ways to achieve that goal is to understand that our children learn by watching what we do. We are their example on handling stress, how to speak respectfully, how we show patience, prejudice, tolerance or compassion.
Your child will learn by watching you.
Our kids really do learn from what we do, not from what we say. If you want them to have a strong self-esteem, be sure that yours is strong. If you want them to be loving, kind people, you be a loving, kind person. If you want them to take responsibility for their actions, be responsible in your own life.
What we model, conciously or not to our children in every single one of those every day experiences is far more powerful that any lesson or lecture we try to give them.
Have you ever heard your kid screaming in the house and have found yourself screaming at her to stop screaming? Or hitting your child because they hit you? Remember: You are your children’s first and greatest teacher and role model!
Remember: No single parenting technique magically works with all children. I invite you to honor the wisdom of your heart & trust you know your child best! You don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent: I encourage you to trust that your children WILL survive the mistakes you make & you WILL survive theirs!
Sandra is the “soul” and “coach” behind the Soulful Parent. She has worked in Early Intervention, Special Education and has supported many families in the road to successful parenting. She became a PCI Certified Parent Coach® because she’s deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. Sandra believes that life becomes a more enjoyable journey when you lead from your strengths! She can be contacted Sandra {at} thesoulfuparent(.)com and www.thesoulfulparent.com for more information about seminars, presentations and individual coaching services.
